A Small Portion Of My Life In A Nutshell

Well here I go again attempting to keep a blog going. I always seem to start and then run out of things to talk about, or am afraid people will think my life is boring. Well, this time I'm saying screw that. This is for me and I don't care if even one other person reads it. I need this for my own therapeutic release. There's a lot to cover so I won't try to cram it all into one post.

As a short backstory in a nutshell, I was diagnosed with three anxiety disorders 8 years ago, the most severe of which is Social Anxiety or Social Phobia, depending on who you ask. Basically, the fear people get from heights or confined spaces or any other thing like that, I deal with in regards to people. Talking on the phone, going grocery shopping, making friends, eating in restaurants, holding down a job, and even spending time with extended family. It makes for a truly difficult life.

For the 8 years I've been diagnosed, I've been on and off nearly every medication out there. Unfortunately, the one that helped the most has been the one to cause me the most problems in life. Xanax. Over the last few years I was so addicted that I lost my job and nearly lost my life until I went to a treatment facility for 3 months this summer (2008). It was a great experience, but didn't treat the underlying problem of anxiety and so as soon as I left the anxiety came back full force and I had to move back in with my mom, which is horribly defeating at the age of 26 when all of my friends are getting married and having babies and careers. I felt I had no choice but to find another doctor to get my prescriptions from.

Well, last night, my mom and stepdad (don't get me started on him.....I could write a novel on what kind of bad gut feelings I get from that man) confronted me about my use and basically told me they give up. It's hard to hear when your family gives up on you. I knew they couldn't afford to send me back to treatment (and really I didn't want to go back because I learned what I needed to learn). So my first thought was fill my next prescription and take it all at once. It kept sounding like a really good idea, except that I have so much I want to do in my life. I want to go to grad school. I want a husband. I want a family. I don't want to give up, but I'm feeling like I'm running out of options.

So that's where I am right now. I'm looking for an anxiety specialist in the area that may be able to help and if I could get a job (which is hard with my disorder), I could possibly claw my way out of this funk. Addiction happens to real people, and it's not always as easy to erradicate because people fail to treat the underlying issues like my off the charts anxiety. I JUST WANT TO FEEL "NORMAL". I know that's unrealistic, but I'm tired of living life the way it is now.

It seems these days that a lot of people these days are still trying to keep addiction and mental disorders a "hush hush" type of thing and that helps no one. I'm really fragile right now and it's taking every ounce of power I have to not give up entirely.

Ok, I know that got kind of long, but it's hard to introduce yourself without a bit of wordiness. I just want people out there with co-occurring addiciton and mental disorders that they aren't alone. It's not widely talked about, but people have made it through. I only hope I can be one of them.